Hold Me Down
by wickedones
Summary: And for once, I hadn't just pulled Nicky up from the depths of hell like I always have and always will. This time she pulled me in with her. And together we would rot in hell for her choice, the same choice that would always be holding me down.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, everyone!**

 **So it didn't take long for me to get this up. I have a lot of new, great things planned for this story and I'm hoping you all enjoy it! Chapters will be up slower though as this is my senior year of high school and things can get pretty draining, but I already have the next three chapters written!**

 **This is going to be a dark story with mentions of drugs. Please don't read if that might trigger you. Also, I don't own OITNB.**

 **Here's to a second try at _Hold Me Down_. Don't forget to leave a review!**

 **Enjoy!**

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"Time is an illusion. Life is bullshit."

I smiled up at the clear blue sky, the grass brushing against my skin. The wind blew my hair onto my face and I fluttered my eyes shut. Life was so perfect, so content right now.

"Everything in life is bullshit. And you know what else is fucking ridiculous? Those bullshit scenarios people ask you for god knows what reason. Like, if you were stranded on a deserted island, what's the one thing you would bring? What the fuck kind of question is that?"

A chuckle escaped through my lips. I wished I could photograph this picturesque moment between Nicky and I. The concrete below our backs, the dark sky with twinkling stars above our head.

"Because that's something that could fucking happen. Islands are a fucking joke. It's just ocean and ocean and ocean for miles. As if that's all I want to see when I wake up in the morning - that I'm surrounded by water that I can't even fucking drink because it's too _salty_. And global warming? Don't even get me started. What a fucking joke life is."

I opened my eyes and turned my head to the side, smiling again. Nicky's eyes were on the sky, counting each star. I brushed my finger against her arm and her brown eyes flickered to me, a smile tugging her lips.

"You're forgetting about the beauty in life," I said, brushing my fingers against Nicky's arm. "The stars shining in the sky. The moon with footsteps on it. The ocean that does just go on for miles and miles, but do you ever wonder what's underneath it? And who gives a damn if it's just you and I on an island, or you and I in the center of a bustling city, or you and I on the fucking moon. You're the only person in my world, the only one I have eyes for. Isn't that beautiful enough?"

Nicky moved her head so she was staring into my eyes. "You really do call bullshit on my cynical view of this shitty hunk of rock."

"That's because I don't stand for your shit," I said in response, smirking. "And you don't stand for mine."

"Your stubborn ass with someday realize just how stubborn I am in comparison," she said, sighing as she looked back up at the sky. "I'm a wreck."

"So am I."

"That's one thing in common."

"We're like puzzle pieces," I whispered as she pulled me into her arms. "Brought into this world because we fit together perfectly."

She smirked, pressing a kiss to my lips before resting her head atop mine as we both stared up at the dark sky. Wherever life takes us, it won't ever break us apart. Nothing was holding Nicky and I down, and nothing was keeping us apart.

But it seemed fate had other plans for Nicky and I.

 **five years later**

"It's hers!" Luschek said, pointing his fingers to Nicky before his eyes drifted to me. "Or dammit, hers! I swear it's not! I mean I used to smoke pot every now and then but not heroin! Fuck no!"

Caputo didn't look at me, his eyes were only on Nicky. I risked a glance at her, noticing her trembling lip and wide eyes. She looked vulnerable.. I couldn't look away.

And in my head, I knew I had a decision to make. Caputo was growing impatient and Nicky's lips remained sealed. It was my limited freedom against Nicky's, and I knew regardless of whatever I could tell myself to convince me otherwise, Nicky would not be falling on this sword.

"It's mine, sir," I said, looking back at Caputo. My voice was calm as Nicky and Luschek both looked at me in shock. "It's my heroin. I stashed it here."

"And why should I believe that?" Caputo asked, jerking his thumb towards Nicky. "How do I know you aren't taking the blame? Trying to save her ass?"

"Because I told you it was mine," I flatly said. "I told you it was my heroin. I stashed it here, Nicky had nothing to do with that choice. Whether you choose to believe me is up to you."

Silence filled the room as Caputo stared at me, his mouth slightly agape. I've mastered my skills at saving Nicky's ass, time and time again. He then narrowed his eyes, eventually looking back at Nicky before returning his eyes to me.

"Take her down the hill," he said, nodding towards me. Two officers approached me, one of them jerking my hands behind my back to handcuff me. "Let this be a lesson to all of you! You bring drugs into my prison and you will suffer the consequences!"

The officers started leading me towards the door. I heard Nicky shouting something behind me, something that I couldn't quite make out. I didn't look back at her, I couldn't. But as the officers pushed me through the door and I heard Nicky shout my name, I looked over my shoulder at her. We locked eyes for the briefest of moments, long enough for me to catch the pain in her eyes.

But then the door closed before my mind could register any of her words.

The handcuffs around my wrists were becoming a familiar feel. Not a single emotion was felt in my body. No pain, no anger, no frustration or depression. My life had always taken unexpected turns for the worse and maybe I could finally say I was growing accustomed to it.

Because this was going to be my life now.

I've heard stories of _max_.. but the only that stuck was once you go down, you don't come back up. You are no longer remembered, only as another inmate that got send down the hill for a mistake. A mistake I didn't even make and would pay the price for.

All my life, there have been many obstacles that have been holding me down, drowning me inside, and now I was only getting shoved in deeper.

And it was all for a choice Nicky made. A choice to choose drugs, and despite the liking she holds for drugs over me, I would still take the blame. I would be sent down the hill just so Nicky wouldn't have to. She would remain surrounded by her prison friends and family, and I would suffer in max to keep her from suffering any more.

Because that's who I am. I help people who are at their weakest, most vulnerable states. Maybe that's what attracted me to Nicky in the first place. She was an addict whose addiction would only grow stronger, and I was someone who saw a chance to save someone. I saw a chance to be the hero of my story and make a difference.

Our love was a haunting. We've done unspeakable things, things that fulfilled my wildest fantasies and things that were the root of my reoccurring nightmares. She was a roller coaster filled with mayhem the moment she pulled me in.

As I rode in the van driving me to max, my eyes stuck on the building, I knew deep down I made a mistake taking the blame for Nicky. But at the same time, it was the right choice to make. Nicky always had me to fall back on because she knew I would always catch her. But this time, this time I was falling, too.. and there was no one to catch me.

And for once, I hadn't just pulled Nicky up from the depths of hell like I always have and always will. This time she pulled me in with her. And together we would rot in hell for her choice, the same choice that would always be holding me down.


	2. Chapter 2

**I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. This hasn't been getting very much of a response.. Please tell me if you are all still interested or if I am wasting my time!**

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"Welcome to Litchfield Federal Prison. It's not as scary as it looks, I promise. Looks can be very deceiving. Although..."

My eyes squinted through the sunlight casted over the building that read Litchfield Prison. Maybe it was the optimism in me that was holding me together, or the taste of my freedom escaping through my reach that was pulling me apart.

"My names Lorna, but you can call me Morello. We go by last names here." My eyes looked down from the building to the short woman standing in front of the gathered inmates.

I shuddered. _Inmate_.

"Prison isn't as bad as it looks, really," she said, leaning in closer. Her lips were colored in bright pink and her short, dark hair was curled. "I mean, sure there are drugs and cell phones in every stall and every loose tile on the floor, but we like to gloss over that."

My lips pressed together. She beckoned us to follow her to the door entering the prison. With each step closer, the inmates around the fence watching my every move, it felt like I was about to be swallowed alive.

It was about six months ago my life had gone downhill. For three years I was an independent woman whose only concern was basic, normal things - paying my bills, going to work, drinking at bars with friends.

It's how a normal person in their twenties lived. Nothing too exciting or exhausting.

Except that wasn't how my life was. That's the life I envisioned for myself, the perfect world I created in my mind and lived vicariously through my dreams.

Instead I was trapped for six months. Trapped with no way out, forced to do unspeakable things.

"Chapman, you're the top bunk and Soso, you're the bottom. Spencer - " I blinked, looking down at my bare hands. ".. the top bunk above Rosa. This is where you three will be rooming until you're assigned a bunk. Chapman, you'll be happy to see some familiar faces!"

I blinked again and watched as the blonde rushed into the room to hug an older woman. She started gushing over her before patting her bald head, moving on to the next woman with green eyeshadow.

Gripping my pillow tighter, I walked to my bed and set my pillow atop it. My hands were white, no blood or cuts to mask the paleness.

Prison was real. It wasn't just in horror movies or my worst nightmares. It was something I was experiencing for five years. My past had finally caught up to me even if I wasn't quite ready to face it.

Things couldn't get any worse.

I gripped my pillow again, my back to the other inmates I would temporarily bunk with. My knuckles turned a lighter shade from my tight grip before I released a deep breath.

I turned around, walking out of the small room to the halls. There weren't many inmates out and about. Each one that passed I looked at, studying their faces and demeanor for any signs of emotion.

Maybe that's what I was most afraid of. Becoming emotionless and stone cold inside these walls. I had to remember the beauty in life. I had to find any happiness I can in here and cling onto that.

I had to remember the stars shining in the sky and the moon with footsteps on it. The ocean with god knows what underneath.

When I reached the door with a small sign labeled Mr. Healy, I slowed to a stop and raised my knuckles to knock on the door.

"Come on in!"

With a deep breath, I turned the knob and stepped into the room. The room was much warmer than the prison itself. At the desk sat a man with white hair and glasses sliding down his nose.

"Ah, a fresh face in Litchfield," Mr. Healy said, smiling as he gestured to the seat in front of him. "Have a seat."

I closed the door behind me and walked to the chair to sit down, my eyes never leaving him. He pushed his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose and picked up some papers.

"Jamie Spencer," he said, squinting his eyes before looking up. "Correct?"

I nodded. He looked back down at the papers.

"You've been arrested for possession of drugs with a sentence of five years," he said, looking back up at me. He sighed, taking his glasses off and setting them on his desk. "Do you need to discuss what happened?"

"I'm well aware of what happened," I quipped, pausing as memories of that night popped in my mind. I closed my eyes for a brief second, ignoring the bad memories. "I know the story. I was there, you know."

He chuckled. "It's part of my job that I at least put the offer on the table," he said. "Five years is not a lot of time. I've seen all the women that come and go. You seem different, Spencer."

"Different?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Different. You seem smart enough not to fall into the wrong crowd," he explained. "It's exactly like high school. The cliques, the bullies, the druggies. They are all here. Avoid them and the lesbians at all costs."

I laughed. His eyes remained on me, no signs of a smile or chuckle. I furrowed my eyebrows when I realized he wasn't joking.

"What?"

"The lesbians," he repeated. "This prison is crawling with them. They won't engage you if you don't engage first."

Seven years ago I fell so madly fucking in love with Nicky Nichols. She was my entire world. We met when she was at a crossroads, at the point in her life where she gave drugs everything. Time, money, and soon her life. But to me she wasn't an addict. She was someone who was very vulnerable and ready to crack. Someone who I could save.

And that's what I did. I helped her transition into a life without drugs and at the same time fell in love with her.

But in a way, Nicky also saved me. She gave me the best four years of my life and I don't regret those years.

Only that I didn't try hard enough.

I couldn't protect her from everything. I made mistakes that still hang over me to this day. I don't regret the strange love we once had, but I regret the choices I made.

She was falling, and I thought I could catch her. And I did. Until one day I couldn't and we both fell.

"Spencer?"

I narrowed my eyes at Mr. Healy. "I'm sorry but that's bullshit."

"Excuse me?" he asked, raising his voice. I opened my mouth but he held his finger up, halting me to a stop. "Spencer, you're going to learn a lot of things in prison. You'll learn to eat food that has no taste. You'll learn to shower with no privacy. You're also going to learn at some point that speaking your mind will give you enemies that will want to strangle you in your sleep."

Was he being serious?

"Enemies in prison will be the reason you never leave this prison," Mr. Healy continued. "Watch your back out there, Spencer."

"Hard without eyes in the back of my head but I'll try."

He narrowed his eyes. "If there isn't anything else you need, you can leave. Close the door behind you."

I curtly nodded, standing up and walking to the door. My hand brushed against the knob and I glanced over my shoulder at Mr. Healy reading some more papers.

With an eye roll, I opened the door and stepped out of his office.

Prison wouldn't be that bad. I would keep my head low, stay out of the drama, and mind my own business.

Well. I knew that wouldn't happen, but I would get through this. I always get through the hard times, this won't be any different.

When I found the B dorm bathrooms, I walked around the corner to an empty sinks and a large mirror. I paused at my reflection, my lips twitching into a frown.

Dark circles hung under my eyes. These have been here for years, but suddenly they seemed more prominent. The last year of my life has been nothing but ups and downs.

There are definitely things I would change. The choices I made and the consequences I now suffer.

As I turned the sink on, I held my hands underneath the cool water. My eyes were anywhere but the mirror, my reflection only a reminder of the mistakes I made. I've done so many things I can't speak.. things that I don't want to ever think about.

But I'm not just stuck in prison. I'm trapped with nothing but my tormenting thoughts.

When I heard footsteps behind me, I didn't look up from the sink. I turned the water off and sighed, splashing the water off my hands and into the sink.

It felt like my reflection was daring me to look up and face myself. I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath. Five years is not a long time. Five years is manageable. Five years is _nothing_.

I opened my eyes, finding enough courage for my eyes to drift up to my reflection, not expecting what my eyes saw at all.

I suddenly turned around, my eyes wide and my mouth falling open. There in front of me stood my past and what I used to think was my future.

"Jamie Spencer," Nicky Nichols said, smirking as she folded her arms over her chest. "We're making a habit out of this, huh?"


End file.
